A few weeks before I took off, I found out that I would be coming to Bray. I was disappointed that the other girl wasn't able to come, but I then began to romanticize this idea of me being in Ireland alone. I imagined my walking down cobblestone streets, meeting friendly men while I was walking in the mountains (I've watched P.S. I Love You too many times), and charming all these Irish people to take me in to their cottages for some potatoes.
But the reality is that after being in the country for thirty minutes, I was lonely. I had spent almost a whole day waiting in airports or being on a plane, and then I was wandering around Dublin before the sun rose wondering what the heck I was doing. I didn't mind so much being lost, but I just wanted someone to laugh about it with. I had my wonderful weekend with Amber and Laura and then they left and I got on a train and I was alone again. Everyone was so friendly and kind to me that first week, but I would leave school and have no idea what to do. My host family is extremely generous and we have great fun together, but I had these empty hours. Even though Ireland isn't exactly alien, I still constantly felt misunderstood or invisible. I felt like I was holding my breath around everyone.
 |
| Af first this idea seemed really cool to me, than it just seemed depressing :) |
I didn't want to pray about it either. I didn't want other people to be praying for me. I just wanted to fix it myself and be fine. I didn't want to need people or ask people for help.
But thankfully I have people in my life who do pray for me, who encourage me, and who know me really well, and still love me somehow.
I like doing things by myself. Grocery shopping. Movies. Long drives.
But more important than adventure, stamps on your passport, Instagram likes, and beautiful places is people. I used to be intimidated by other people, but then I realized how much we all need each other. Now that I know what that means, it's easier to see people for all the beauty that they are.
It's easy to make life about what I'm going to do next. Where am I going to live. How many miles can I get away from Huntersville, NC.
The problem with all of these questions is my motive. I wish I would stop looking at a map and start being more concerned about calling. Not where is the Lord calling me to do, but how can I use my gifts and passions to the fullest extent in order to glorify God.
Flash forward seven weeks. I'm sitting in Espresso News, trying to type up lesson plans so I can actually graduate college. I still have no idea what is next. I feel like I don't even know what the possibilities are, but I know that my worth isn't determined by where I end up.
I miss Ireland. I miss the sweet people. The jokes of older men with their rosy cheeks. I miss big bowls of soup with brown bread. Large cups of tea with scones after school. I miss walking everywhere and breathing in the fresh air to and from school. The wild beauty of the Wicklow Mountains. I miss trains. I miss the beautiful buildings of London and the wonder of the city. I miss seeing my sister almost every weekend and talking whenever because we are in the same time zone.
When people ask "How was Ireland?!" I either say "Such a great experience. Wow. Just so good." or "I mean I was alone, so...." and then I try to explain how something can be terribly lonely but also exactly what I needed.
The unknown is scary. Whether that is the a new place where everyone is a stranger or sitting in your apartment with your best friends, not quite sure where to go after you move out in a month. But the more I realize that I have no control and that life isn't smooth edges and postcard images, I can focus on the only constant- which is Christ. I waver. I change my mind. I can't make a decision about dinner, let alone what to pursue after college. But I don't walk in fear as much anymore, because his consistency means that I don't have to try so hard to walk in straight, set ahead path. No matter what choices I make, no matter what place I live in, or the friends I have- the only thing I can know for sure is that he wants to know me. And the only choice I have that really matters, is will I trust him enough to know him too.
I like doing things by myself. Grocery shopping. Movies. Long drives.
But more important than adventure, stamps on your passport, Instagram likes, and beautiful places is people. I used to be intimidated by other people, but then I realized how much we all need each other. Now that I know what that means, it's easier to see people for all the beauty that they are.
It's easy to make life about what I'm going to do next. Where am I going to live. How many miles can I get away from Huntersville, NC.
The problem with all of these questions is my motive. I wish I would stop looking at a map and start being more concerned about calling. Not where is the Lord calling me to do, but how can I use my gifts and passions to the fullest extent in order to glorify God.
Flash forward seven weeks. I'm sitting in Espresso News, trying to type up lesson plans so I can actually graduate college. I still have no idea what is next. I feel like I don't even know what the possibilities are, but I know that my worth isn't determined by where I end up.
I miss Ireland. I miss the sweet people. The jokes of older men with their rosy cheeks. I miss big bowls of soup with brown bread. Large cups of tea with scones after school. I miss walking everywhere and breathing in the fresh air to and from school. The wild beauty of the Wicklow Mountains. I miss trains. I miss the beautiful buildings of London and the wonder of the city. I miss seeing my sister almost every weekend and talking whenever because we are in the same time zone.
When people ask "How was Ireland?!" I either say "Such a great experience. Wow. Just so good." or "I mean I was alone, so...." and then I try to explain how something can be terribly lonely but also exactly what I needed.
The unknown is scary. Whether that is the a new place where everyone is a stranger or sitting in your apartment with your best friends, not quite sure where to go after you move out in a month. But the more I realize that I have no control and that life isn't smooth edges and postcard images, I can focus on the only constant- which is Christ. I waver. I change my mind. I can't make a decision about dinner, let alone what to pursue after college. But I don't walk in fear as much anymore, because his consistency means that I don't have to try so hard to walk in straight, set ahead path. No matter what choices I make, no matter what place I live in, or the friends I have- the only thing I can know for sure is that he wants to know me. And the only choice I have that really matters, is will I trust him enough to know him too.
No comments:
Post a Comment